The day it finally hit me
by JelliedPanda
Summary: the day when you realise everything is fantasy that you have to grow up. but what if you don't want to? what if you want or need something more to happen? what if when you watched one little film it triggered memories that would never actually be? came to me when i was in bed late at night.


i was a lover of movies, not all movies though. of fantasy and dreams and chases and adventures -not reality and school work and no magic and no dreams.

The day it finally hit me.

i am now too old for children stuff like believing apparently, i stay awake each night wondering when i stopped believing in all of these magical fantasies, Sandman, Santa, The tooth fairy not forgetting the easter rabbit. Everyone is told to grow up - parents break it to them or rumors get spread by the 'cool' kids and you stop believing because of reality. i never really thought about it before but i Really, Really miss my childhood. as a child i thought it would be fun to grow up, stop there and look forward to a teenager hood. i suppose it was okay at the time but right now i'm in my bed sobbing my eyes out at this friggin' movie. Rise Of The Guardians- what have you done to my brain? Of course i try to believe but every time i ask these 'people' to help me i just go back to square one of , quite frankly, shit. literally poop. listen, this might all seem a bit, well, over the top i suppose but to me its a big part of me. believing in something you cant see , you wish you could, you wish it was there and most of all you wish it wouldn't dissapear. but it did in the end. the main reason, i think, is that i don't want to grow up, get out into college and spend my life trying to get money into a household, get a husband and a kid, watch him or her grow up in fantasies and dreams to then suddenly stop believing like me. watch as reality passes me by wishing that something would happen. anything. god to appear. a burning bush maybe? even good dreams? i haven't had a nice proper dream since i was 9. i remember that one, it was about school and me proving to everyone that i wasn't a weirdo and everyone believed me or another one about meeting santa, i still hang on to that hope that it wasn't my dad sitting by the fireplace snoring away in his decievingly, unreal costume. its now that i realise how selfish i have been. i have a good home nice clothes a bed, a house, food even! but...i still wish for more, something to get my heart rate pumping thats not normal, something alien to me that i've never seen before! i would probably hide it away and keep it close, whatever it was that would happen. waiting and waiting for something to happen in the night. never came. i stayed up, on my ds, looked at the time and went back to bed with anything but a hopeful light to guide me, in more ways than one. the clock had gone 12 and nothing had happened- infact it was 1:00 in the morning. i even put on some shoes that were beside the door which were far too big for me and grabbed a coat from the hanger near the stairs. then shuffled my way outside. it was cold and dark and...peaceful. i loved being out there it calmed me. night is my favorite time if i had a choice of being nocturnal or living in daylight id choose nocturnal. stars and the moon. so big and so... calm. of course it was nothing like the movies, that wouldn't ever happen. we'd even been up there for heavens sake! man and moon...that wouldn't happen, just wouldn't, couldn't happen. its not a big deal to anyone but me probably, most definitely. I just wish, wish, wish something would happen instead of going around in this life cycle. no wonder its called that; going round and round and round and Round, again, again and again and again! its tiring y'know trying make something happen that just cant be. i've watched the movie loads and i cant get it off my mind. no wonder jack wasn''t believed in we were all concentrated on santa and that before we just stopped not getting a chance to know him. i feel sorry for him but i just cant get the movie out my mind, no matter how much i tell myself its not true... i still have that little light of hope after all that something, something might come and change this endless cycle of money and people, and people. that little, little light.


End file.
